Co-parenting therapy for divorcing and divorced parents: How my own high-conflict divorce taught me to help other co-parents
The marriage didn’t work, and it may have fallen apart in a painful, messy way. And, yet, you somehow have to quickly shift gears in order to parent the kids together. It feels impossible and overwhelming.
Connecting with your ex-spouse or partner to co-parent effectively can be challenging, but it's vital for the well-being of your children. Co-parenting requires strong communication, compromise, and understanding. If you find yourself struggling to navigate this path, co-parenting therapy can be an invaluable tool to help you and your co-parent find common ground and work together more harmoniously.
Understanding co-parenting and its challenges
Co-parenting is an arrangement where both parents share the responsibility of raising their children, even after separating or divorcing. It involves making important decisions together, ensuring the well-being of the children, and maintaining a healthy relationship with each other. However, co-parenting can be challenging due to the emotional baggage and potential conflicts that may exist between ex-partners. It may have increased difficulty if one parent has a personality disorder or is intent on undermining the other parent’s decisions.
One of the key challenges of co-parenting is effective communication. Misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and differing expectations can lead to conflicts and tension between co-parents. Additionally, handling differences in parenting styles, decision-making, and coordinating schedules can create further stress and friction. These challenges can have a significant impact on the children involved.
The importance of successful co-parenting for children
Research consistently shows that children thrive when they have healthy relationships with both parents. Successful co-parenting provides stability, consistency, and a strong support system for children, regardless of the relationship status of their parents. It allows children to feel secure, loved, and nurtured by both parents, even if they live in separate households.
On the other hand, when co-parenting is filled with conflict and tension, children are often caught in the middle. Witnessing ongoing conflicts between their parents can result in emotional distress, anxiety, and a negative impact on their overall well-being. Therefore, it is crucial for parents to prioritize their children's needs and work towards a successful co-parenting relationship.
My own divorce story
When I got divorced in 2009, my daughters were 2 and 6. My divorce was intensely acrimonious and stepping into a co-parenting relationship with my ex was fraught with conflict, tension and high legal bills. We were in and out of court for many years over every little and big problem related to co-parenting and finances. Due to our high use of the legal system, we were labeled a ‘high-conflict divorce’ and referred to a co-parenting therapist for support.
I remember thinking ‘this is so stupid, my ex doesn’t listen to my opinions…now we are supposed to sit in a room together and fight in front of yet another person?’ But what I found was that while co-parenting sessions after my divorce were not easy, they were productive. Working with a co-parenting therapist allowed me to have a trusted ‘referee’ during heated conflicts and also someone who was clear-headed enough to hold my children’s needs above our constant power struggles. It helped to keep legal bills more manageable (though I still wasted a terrifying amount of money on family lawyers) and gave me the specific support that I needed in co-parenting with someone with whom I was not allied.
What I bring to co-parenting therapy work
I know exactly how hard it is to co-parent in the midst of a high-conflict divorce. I know how hard it is to not have your kids with you on holidays, the first day of school or their birthday. I know the heartbreak of having limited communication with your kids when they are with your ex. I also know the emotional challenges that come when your co-parent introduces a new partner to your children. I am also familiar with the frustration of being deliberately undermined by an antagonistic ex.
I strive to be impartial, objective and helpful to both parents in co-parenting therapy. I offer compassion and understanding when you are locked in conflict over what seems like a trivial issue (for example, who is taking the kids trick or treating this year). I have the utmost respect and empathy for parents who are trying to raise their kids while embroiled in constant conflict.
In my work as co-parenting therapist, I also bring a hopefulness that this season of conflict will pass. I know that even the most high-conflict divorces can produce the greatest and most resilient of children. I can offer coping skills, different perspectives and ways to work on your own healing after a difficult divorce. I can even support you as you develop a happier and healthier romantic relationship after your divorce.
How co-parenting therapy works
Therapy can be an invaluable resource for co-parents. It can provide a safe and neutral space for parents to express their concerns, improve their communication skills, and develop effective strategies for co-parenting. Here are some ways therapy can support co-parenting:
1. Emotional Support and Coping Mechanisms
Co-parenting can evoke a range of emotions, from anger and resentment to sadness and frustration. I can help you navigate these emotions, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and manage your reactions in a constructive manner. By addressing your own emotional well-being, you can create a more stable and positive co-parenting environment for your children. I may refer you to individual therapy in order to work on processing your feelings related to the divorce and ongoing contact with your ex.
2. Improved Communication and Conflict Resolution
Effective communication is the cornerstone of successful co-parenting. I can teach you and your co-parent essential communication skills, such as active listening, empathy, and assertiveness. Additionally, therapy can help you navigate conflicts and disagreements in a healthy manner, reducing tension and promoting cooperation.
3. Establishing Healthy Boundaries
Establishing clear boundaries is crucial in co-parenting. Therapy can help you and your co-parent define and respect each other's boundaries, ensuring a healthy and respectful co-parenting relationship. By establishing boundaries, you can create a more predictable and stable routine for your children, reducing their stress and anxiety. If your ex has narcissistic traits and therefore does not respect your boundaries, I will give you specific coaching on how to co-parent with a narcissist.
4. Co-Parenting Skills and Techniques
Therapy provides an opportunity to learn and practice co-parenting skills and techniques. I can guide you in developing effective strategies for decision-making, problem-solving, and co-parenting coordination. These skills can help you navigate various co-parenting challenges and create a nurturing environment for your children's growth and development.
5. Building a Support Network
Therapy can also help you build a support network of professionals and resources to assist you in your co-parenting journey. I can recommend books, workshops, and online resources that provide additional guidance and support. Having a reliable support network can be invaluable in navigating the complexities of co-parenting and help you to feel less alone in what might seem like a sea of happily married couples.
Co-parenting resources and tools outside of therapy
In addition to therapy, there are various resources and tools available to support co-parents in their journey. These resources can provide additional guidance, education, and support. Some popular co-parenting resources include:
1. Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: Holiday Edition: if you are unfortunate enough to be co-parenting with a narcissist, you are going to need a lot of support, especially at the holidays when narcissistic acting out tends to peak. Watch my FREE 15 minute webinar to learn the 5 Commandments for co-parenting with a narcissist.
2. Co-parenting books: There are numerous books available that offer practical advice, tips, and strategies for successful co-parenting. Some recommended titles include "Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex" by Amy J.L. Baker, PhD, and "The Co-Parenting Handbook" by Karen Bonnell and Kristin Little.
Conclusion: The benefits of therapy in navigating successful co-parenting
Co-parenting is a journey that requires dedication, patience, and effective communication. Therapy can be an invaluable tool in navigating this path to successful co-parenting. Through therapy, you can improve your communication skills, address conflicts, establish healthy boundaries, and learn valuable co-parenting strategies. By investing in therapy, you can create a nurturing and stable environment for your children, ensuring their well-being and growth. Remember, successful co-parenting is not only beneficial for your children but also for your own emotional well-being and peace of mind.