After divorce, how do you celebrate Thanksgiving when you’re not with your children?
Written in 2018
Among divorced parents, there is a crescendo of dread, anxiety and sadness that builds throughout the Fall. The mixed feelings arise in relation to not spending every holiday with their children. The idea of ‘celebrating’ Thanksgiving without your kids seems vaguely absurd. And the idea of waking on Christmas morning and not hearing the squeals of excitement from your kids is downright awful. I’ve heard many a divorced parent state that they’d like to take an Ambien and just sleep through the holiday when they don’t have their kids.
When I got married in 2001, I assumed that I was guaranteed a lifetime of happy and lively Thanksgiving dinners. I spent the early years of my marriage trying to cement holiday traditions including watching the Thanksgiving Day Parade, making Mark Bittman’s stuffing, and cooking a spinach gratin that is nine parts cheese and one part spinach. I felt smug and satisfied knowing that I would be making these recipes, with the same people, until the end of time. I felt like my life was ‘on track.’
When I got divorced in 2009, I realized that a wedding ceremony had not, in fact, served as a guarantee for a happy life. Getting married at twenty-seven years old had made me feel ‘on track’ at the time, but it hadn’t made me happy.
In many ways, my divorce put my life back ‘on track’ in so much as I’m happier now than I was when I was married. But as much as I can see my divorce as a blessing in disguise, it’s impossible for me to rationalize not being with my kids on holidays.
For the last five years, I have been experimenting with my approach to Thanksgiving. Every other year I have my kids with me on Thanksgiving. Those Thanksgiving holidays feel divine. We watch the parade, I eat stuffing until I’m nauseous, and we snuggle on the couch and watch a movie.
My approach to Thanksgiving without my kids has evolved over time. During the first few years after my divorce, I was in a fog. I was grateful for the invitation to have Thanksgiving with my parents and siblings. The structure and the traditions were comforting, but somewhat depressing. I had a sense of déjà vu that somehow it was 1987 again and that it was my snarky seventh grade self eating Thanksgiving dinner with my family.
Over time, however, I’ve changed my tune. At this stage in my life post divorce, I feel strongly that I don’t want to ‘celebrate’ Thanksgiving without my kids. I don’t want to be the 5th or 7th wheel at someone’s table where I’m only reminded of my sadness. I’d rather ‘reschedule’ Thanksgiving and celebrate it when I’m with my kids.
Critics of this approach would say that I’m being antisocial or that I’m only able to be happy when I’m with my kids. I don’t entirely disagree with either of these criticisms. I can be antisocial at times and, yes, I’m generally happier when I’m with my kids. At the end of the day, however, I need to give myself permission to celebrate holidays in a way that makes me happy. And if ‘rescheduling’ Thanksgiving is more enjoyable than feeling envious of families who are celebrating with their kids, then I think I should do it.
My approach to the holidays since my divorce has been, and will continue to be, an evolution. I’m not advocating that my way is the right way or the healthiest way. I’m simply encouraging divorced parents to experiment with their approach to the holidays rather than clinging to old traditions that may cause more sadness than happiness.