The sexless marriage: How to reignite your desire

When you and your husband met, you couldn’t keep your hands off of each other. There were sexy outfits, long massages, and a sexual chemistry that could set a house on fire. In the beginning, your sexual connection was strong and you felt certain that it would always stay that way.

You got married and had kids together. Your sex life slowed down, but you felt that this was ‘normal’ for this stage of life. But as the kids aged out of breastfeeding and sleepless nights, your sex life did not pick up any consistent energy. As of today, you haven’t had sex in at least two months. And you’re feeling panicked. You love your husband, you don’t want a divorce, but you also don’t feel like having sex with him.

There is truth to the adage that if your sex life is healthy, sexuality plays a small role in your overall relationship. But if sex is absent, it can feel like a very glaring deficit in your relationship. In your mind, the lack of sex is all your fault.

You no longer identify as a ‘sexual person’ and you often say that you ‘don’t care if you ever have sex again.’

You say this jokingly but, deep down, it concerns you. Your health is good and you no longer have toddlers clinging to you, so why has your libido exited your body? Should you blame your hormones (is it perimenopause or menopause?) or is it something else?

Before you got married, you loved sex. You loved wearing clothing in order to attract sexual attention, you enjoyed flirting, and the thrill of being pursued sexually made you feel alive. But now, when your husband initiates sex with you, you bristle. Even when he attempts to rub your back or hold your hand, you recoil. Instead of feeling aroused or even soothed by his touch, you feel that his touch is invasive, demanding or annoying. Instead of welcoming his touch, it is experienced as a prelude to an obligation. The caress of his hand on your back feels the same as him demanding ‘it’s time for you to have sex with me.’ Lest you think that you are alone in this dynamic, the hashtag ‘#bristlereaction’ was featured in a 2023 New York Times article examining the high incidence of spouses ‘bristling’ when their partner touches them.

For some women, it is the transition from ‘dating’ sex to ‘married’ sex that has created this perceived change in your sexuality. Whereas ‘dating sex’ is about seduction, the chase, and your choice to have your sexual needs met by your partner, married sex feels like ‘an obligation.’ Thousands of years of patriarchy have contributed to your perception that if your husband has an erection that it is your responsibility to ‘take care of it.’ Through the lens of patriarchy, you feel that sex is just one more thing that you ‘should’ be doing. And, because sex now feels like a demand, you no longer want it. This resistance against the patriarchy manifests in your perception of yourself as no longer being sexual. But, the truth is, you are still the same deeply sexual person that you were before you got married.

A sexless marriage is rarely chosen by its occupants. The women who fear that they are labeled ‘frigid’ for rebuffing sexual advances, are not happy to be celibate. The husbands, who have not acted in a manner condoning a patriarchal view of marriage, are typically confused and hurt. But, over time, the lack of sex creates an unspoken tension, resentment and anger that fills the bedroom. It is the awareness that it’s been ‘3 weeks, 5 months or 2 years since we last had sex’ that causes distinct anxiety and rumination. The next question that arises is ‘are they cheating? Would I blame them after all this time?’ The constant rumination about sexlessness and its possible consequences can cause more distress than the actual lack of sexual activity.

What is the solution to this sexless marriage? How can you re-ignite your sexual desire?

This type of sexless marriage is a jail cell in which only the woman has the key. In order to unlock this cage, you need to take back ownership of your sexual pleasure. Rather than focusing on your husband’s needs in the marriage, make your sexuality the priority. I know what you’re thinking: ‘my libido is gone, there’s nothing to focus on.’ But sexuality is like a muscle, you have to use it in order for it to grow. In order to increase your libido, start masturbating alone so that you can learn (or re-learn) what arouses you. Masturbation is a great key to your sexual fantasies too. See what comes to mind when you are pleasuring yourself.

Give yourself permission to think of all of the taboo, forbidden and subversive things that arouse you. You can fantasize about performing in a sex club, you can fantasize about being dominated, you can fantasize about having an affair. If telling your husband about these fantasies arouses you, tell him. If you would prefer to keep these fantasies to yourself, that is ok too. The important thing is to allow yourself to step out of the ‘dutiful wife’ role and back into the sexual creature that you were before you got married.

When you take control of your own sexual pleasure, you take it out of the ‘chore’ category. Instead of saying ‘fuck you’ to the patriarchy by shutting down your libido, Esther Perel (in her podcast Where Should we Begin with Esther Perel) encourages women to say ‘fuck it.’ That is, rather than getting into a power struggle with years of patriarchy, lean into the ultimate rebellion: putting yourself and your satisfaction first. Your sexual organs are designed for satisfaction, there is no reason to suppress this desire.

Issues around intimacy, sexuality and anxiety can be addressed in either individual therapy or couples counseling. There’s no reason you should go through life suppressing or ignoring your sexuality. Take a chance, open up and talk about what is going on. Chances are that dynamics in your relationship can and will improve if you reintroduce a focus on your pleasure.