Recommitment after infidelity: How to rebuild your marriage
Like it or not, infidelity is common.
In fact, it is hard to find someone whose life has not been touched by infidelity in some way. Esther Perel, in her groundbreaking book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity (Harper Collins, 2017) estimates that between 26 to 70 percent of American women cheat and that between 33 and 75 percent of American men cheat. It is not easy to obtain exact data on the prevalence of infidelity for at least two reasons. First (the obvious one), most people will not admit to cheating in their relationship. Second, not everyone agrees on what constitutes cheating in a relationship. For example, is flirting cheating? Texting? Viewing porn?
For the purpose of this piece, we can use Esther Perel’s definition:
Infidelity is any activity that contains the following three components:
Secrecy
Sexual alchemy
Emotional involvement
In American culture, there is zero tolerance for cheating. When we hear of cheating in a relationship, our knee-jerk response is to say “End the relationship and move on immediately!’’ The adage ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ is drilled deep into our psyches. And, let’s be honest, this approach has its merits. We have all had friends (or younger versions of ourselves, even) who were cheated on several times by the same person. This black-and-white thinking feels empowering and self-protective. And if we tell our partners “I would never stay if you cheated,” we are filled with a triumphant (and false) sense that our relationship has been infidelity-proofed.
If a time comes when an individual learns of their partner’s infidelity, they begin the painful process of reliving old memories with the newly acquired knowledge that their partner was ‘with THEM’ during that birthday, vacation, anniversary, or health scare.
Esther Perel refers to this stage as ‘death by a thousand cuts.’ As each memory is contaminated with the knowledge of the affair, the sense of betrayal is profound. Most individuals who have been cheated on will agree that it is the deception, not the sexual act, that is most painful to tolerate.
After each memory has been painfully relived and recast with knowledge of what was truly going on, a fork in the road is reached. For some couples, the trust is ruptured so completely that it cannot be repaired. And, with a mixture of sadness and indignation, the relationship is terminated. The person who was cheated on is free to seek support from their friends and family, who will celebrate this person’s perceived high self-esteem, moral compass and intelligence. This is the only socially acceptable response to cheating. Size the person up, dump them and move on. But what happens when you don’t want to end the relationship?
For some couples, the revelation of infidelity shakes the foundation of the relationship, but it does not diminish their love for another.
The work of repairing a relationship in the wake of infidelity is challenging. Not simply because of the injury to the relationship, but also because there is virtually no social support for cheaters or even someone who stays with a cheater. It goes against our American “once a cheater, always a cheater” rule-book. If we hear of our friend staying with a ‘cheater,’ we are aghast and reflexively judgmental. We think ‘oh, they must have terrible self esteem’ or ‘it is making me so sad that they’re staying with them.’
On the podcast ‘Where Should We Begin? With Esther Perel’ there is a poignant episode (titled ‘The Addict’) in which a heterosexual married couple talks about working through the husband’s infidelity. They express that repairing their marriage has been especially difficult because their adult children stopped speaking to both of them after the revelation of the infidelity. The wife reported that their kids were especially disappointed in her decision to stay with their father when she should “just dump him.”
For these couples, the road to repairing a relationship after infidelity can be a lonely journey.
For couples who choose to repair their relationships in the wake of infidelity, the primary task is to make meaning of the affair. Why did the affair happen? And why now? Contrary to popular belief, not all affairs are caused by what is missing in the relationship. As Esther Perel points out, even people who are happily married cheat. Reasons why a happily married person might cheat are diverse but include: a desire to sabotage their happy relationship due to low self esteem, an impulsive wish to have a “fun” experience outside of the responsibilities of parenthood and marriage, or even just as an escapist defense against death and loss.
If a couple can identify (usually in couples therapy) why the infidelity occurred, that is the starting point for rebuilding trust.
While processing the guilt, shame and heartbreak around infidelity is quite painful, it typically opens the door for enhanced communication. Many couples find that they start talking to one another in a more direct, authentic and emotionally-honest way than they had ever before. And, with time, they build a stronger relationship after the affair than had existed prior to the infidelity.
Esther Perel makes the connection some individuals feel an increased sense of happiness and purpose after surviving cancer. This concept is called ‘post-traumatic growth’ and is well-documented. Similarly, many couples are pleased to find that they are able to build a stronger, more honest relationship in the wake of infidelity than they had had before the affair. Of course, just because a terrible situation might ultimately have a positive outcome doesn’t mean that anyone wants to experience it!
If infidelity has occurred in your relationship, know that you are not alone. Despite what our American culture dictates, there are no right or wrong answers about how to move forward. Every relationship is different, and not every instance of infidelity is symbolic of a person’s wish to leave the relationship.