How can I set boundaries with my in-laws when my spouse is ok seeing their parents 3x per week?

When you met your future in-laws, they seemed amazing. They were warm, kind, fun and supportive of your relationship with your partner. On your wedding day, you felt lucky to marry into such a strong, close-knit family.

Ten-plus years in, however, your enthusiasm for your in-laws has dwindled. While you thought you were only marrying your spouse, it feels like you landed in a four-person marriage: yourself, your spouse and their two parents. There are weekly dinners, family vacations, multi-day holiday celebrations and the expectation that your in-laws will be consulted before making any decisions. And while this may have been ok at the start of your relationship, it has become a source of significant friction.

You’ve tried to (gently) discuss your frustration with your spouse. ‘How about we do something different this year for July 4th, just us and the kids?’ or ‘I think we can pick out a new stove without consulting your parents’ or ‘Do we need to have a weekly dinner with your parents? It’s hard to fit in with the kids’ activities.’ But your spouse says that while they also don’t want to spend this much time with their parents, that it would cause too much drama if they decline the invitations.

Years of trudging through weekly dinners, extended family vacations and having your in-laws heavily involved in your day-to-day life has resulted in you having intense resentment towards both your spouse and their parents. Gone are the days of gentle, inquisitive conversations about your in-laws.

Your conversations about your in-laws are now:

‘Do we have to see your parents again this week?’

‘Why do you hate my parents so much?’

‘I don’t hate your parents, but I feel like we just saw them.’

‘My parents do a lot for us, it would be rude if we didn’t see them.’

‘You don’t even know about all of the invitations that I DO turn down. I have to say yes to SOMETHING!’

‘Can we just carve out time for us and the kids without your parents?’

‘Why can’t you just be a team player for once?’

‘You need to grow up!’

At this point you have tried a gentle approach, a direct approach and an angry approach, but still nothing has changed. Your in-laws continue to loom large in your relationship.

You start to wonder:

“Is it my fault that I allowed this dynamic to exist for years before expressing frustration?”

“Why doesn’t my spouse care about my feelings?”

“Why does my spouse care more about their parents’ feelings?”

“Do I need to get a divorce if my spouse won’t listen to me?”

Before going down the rabbit hole of the worst case scenarios that could happen, let’s take a step back. You fell in love with your spouse, not their family. You’re allowed to be maxed out on spending time with your in-laws. And even if this has been the status quo for many years, it’s never too late to shift the dynamic with your in-laws, especially for the sake of repairing your marriage.

Different families have different values. Perhaps your parents encouraged you to grow up, branch out, and become independent. In contrast, your spouse’s family seems to value closeness over independence. There’s nothing wrong or right about either family’s values. But in a family where closeness is valued, attempts at independence may be seen as selfish, mean, or even as a form of rejection. Even politely declining invitations might be causing your in-laws to make your spouse feel guilty. This may be a merry-go-round that your spouse can’t stop on their own. And this is where you can step in, for both of your sake.

Your spouse (subconsciously) needs you to set limits with their parents. So rather than continuing to feel resentment, you can model boundaries for your spouse. If weekly dinner is hard to squeeze in, kindly decline the invitation. If you want to pick out your new kitchen appliance without consulting your in-laws, go purchase the appliance. Independence is not formed overnight. It is created through the repetition of small acts of autonomy.

It’s never too late to shift dynamics in your marriage or with your extended family. Instead of merely asking for what you’d like to change, I recommend that you start making changes. Your spouse can’t help but to be locked into an outdated dynamic with their parents, but you can take the reins and start to prioritize your marriage. Just like with any project, whether it is a kitchen remodel or finally getting back into shape, there will be some periods of work and discomfort. But the improvement to your relationship - with the resulting closeness and intimacy - is well worth the effort.